[ Adrien’s finger was on the trigger, safety off and there was pressure on that trigger when Andyr moved. It was only by the grace of some unknown Fate that he didn’t pull the damn trigger and shoot Andyr’s hand, no doubt causing even more of a mess than they already had on their hands.
Standing there, with the young man in close, the desperate look on his face, Adrien felt realization kick, hard enough to his chest that for a moment he couldn’t breathe.
What the fuck am I doing??
He’d just spent the past hour with Andyr, listening to what the young man said and didn’t say. He’d spent an hour hearing how he had been dehumanized, treated as property, brutalized at every turn and given every reason not to trust. For the past hour he’d been stepping carefully in an attempt to be sensitive to the damage he could sense from the man’s words, his actions, his eyes.
Eyes.
Unbidden the knowing eyes of the Neraki flashed across Andyr’s face and for a moment, Adrien could only see the resigned distrust of the Khitlasi elders as they handed over the wooden coins. He could taste the snack a young Neraki child had pressed into his hands during the hours waiting for extraction from Macha; before it …
Adrien swallowed, twice hard and tight, the sort of action to suggest that he was swallowing back bile that was struggling to turn his stomach inside out. The gun under Andyr’s hand trembled and at least the doctor had enough were-with-all to take his finger off the trigger, laying his index finger along the barrel as he held the grip in a white knuckled hand.
Against his leg, he felt the pressure of Courser’s lean body as the bahari pressed against his calf, trying to push in between his legs but the doctor’s limbs were locked and frozen, caught in the past and the present. After all wasn’t he the boogyman in this young patient’s closet? Not literally, obviously but the words Andyr practically begged him with, the resignation in the man’s tone … it echoed the same sentiment from the Neraki in the moments before they were summarily slaughtered.
By him.
Alright, not exactly but near enough that in Adrien’s short circuiting brain, the distinction was so blurred as to be indiscernible. Blurred enough that his shredded conscience was screaming at him, how dare he be frustrated with the very real suffering Andyr described to him. He carried the guilt of just such atrocities against not just the Neraki and Macha, a living screaming planet …
Oh, ah. He’d forgotten about that. The cries of the planet itself as it came to an end. As desperate as the words spilling from Andyr’s lips with the same cry for understanding … mercy. He’d managed to block that sound deep into his subconscious but now it came roaring back with a vengeance, until it was all he could hear, his patient’s voice coming to him as a tinny noise, far down a distant tunnel.
The gun hand dropped and Adrien gave ground. He took a stumble step back from Andyr, catching himself on the edge of the counter, head down between his shoulders as he sucked in deep breaths. Courser glanced back at Andyr for a long moment, before he lowered his head and picked up the data pad in his jaws. Cradling it carefully, he padded to Adrien and sat obediently by his left leg, the pad in his mouth.
For a few more, deep breaths, Adrien continued to lean on the counter before he slowly reached back to re-holster the gun. His entire arm was shuddering by now, a fine sheen of sweat on his brow, causing the hair at his temples to stick slightly in odd patterns. He slowly pushed his way off the counter, testing his legs under himself without a word or even a glance at Andyr, before he reached down to take the data pad from Courser. ]
I, [ he began, his voice tight, accent thickened by the lump lodged in his throat. He had to cough to clear it. ] I’ll put in a note that due to patient confidentiality, any inquiries must come to the physician of record; myself.
[ It was bending the rules, cracking them a little at the base but fuck it. At this point, he was torn between apologizing to Andyr for sins the younger man would have no idea what he was talking about and just getting this over with and letting them both retreat to their corners. He’d caught that quick glance out towards someone in the main intake area. He hadn’t seen who and had no idea what it was about but if Andyr had someone here, and that presence was in any way helping them absolve this impasse, Adrien would take it.
Another breath and he was finally able to straighten, forcing himself to turn back towards Andyr. There was nothing glassy about the doctor’s eyes but perhaps it was the perspiration on his blanched flesh that made his blue eyes seem to burn.]
You can choose who else you speak with about these matters, on the medical team, in your own time.
no subject
Standing there, with the young man in close, the desperate look on his face, Adrien felt realization kick, hard enough to his chest that for a moment he couldn’t breathe.
What the fuck am I doing??
He’d just spent the past hour with Andyr, listening to what the young man said and didn’t say. He’d spent an hour hearing how he had been dehumanized, treated as property, brutalized at every turn and given every reason not to trust. For the past hour he’d been stepping carefully in an attempt to be sensitive to the damage he could sense from the man’s words, his actions, his eyes.
Eyes.
Unbidden the knowing eyes of the Neraki flashed across Andyr’s face and for a moment, Adrien could only see the resigned distrust of the Khitlasi elders as they handed over the wooden coins. He could taste the snack a young Neraki child had pressed into his hands during the hours waiting for extraction from Macha; before it …
Adrien swallowed, twice hard and tight, the sort of action to suggest that he was swallowing back bile that was struggling to turn his stomach inside out. The gun under Andyr’s hand trembled and at least the doctor had enough were-with-all to take his finger off the trigger, laying his index finger along the barrel as he held the grip in a white knuckled hand.
Against his leg, he felt the pressure of Courser’s lean body as the bahari pressed against his calf, trying to push in between his legs but the doctor’s limbs were locked and frozen, caught in the past and the present. After all wasn’t he the boogyman in this young patient’s closet? Not literally, obviously but the words Andyr practically begged him with, the resignation in the man’s tone … it echoed the same sentiment from the Neraki in the moments before they were summarily slaughtered.
By him.
Alright, not exactly but near enough that in Adrien’s short circuiting brain, the distinction was so blurred as to be indiscernible. Blurred enough that his shredded conscience was screaming at him, how dare he be frustrated with the very real suffering Andyr described to him. He carried the guilt of just such atrocities against not just the Neraki and Macha, a living screaming planet …
Oh, ah. He’d forgotten about that. The cries of the planet itself as it came to an end. As desperate as the words spilling from Andyr’s lips with the same cry for understanding … mercy. He’d managed to block that sound deep into his subconscious but now it came roaring back with a vengeance, until it was all he could hear, his patient’s voice coming to him as a tinny noise, far down a distant tunnel.
The gun hand dropped and Adrien gave ground. He took a stumble step back from Andyr, catching himself on the edge of the counter, head down between his shoulders as he sucked in deep breaths. Courser glanced back at Andyr for a long moment, before he lowered his head and picked up the data pad in his jaws. Cradling it carefully, he padded to Adrien and sat obediently by his left leg, the pad in his mouth.
For a few more, deep breaths, Adrien continued to lean on the counter before he slowly reached back to re-holster the gun. His entire arm was shuddering by now, a fine sheen of sweat on his brow, causing the hair at his temples to stick slightly in odd patterns. He slowly pushed his way off the counter, testing his legs under himself without a word or even a glance at Andyr, before he reached down to take the data pad from Courser. ]
I, [ he began, his voice tight, accent thickened by the lump lodged in his throat. He had to cough to clear it. ] I’ll put in a note that due to patient confidentiality, any inquiries must come to the physician of record; myself.
[ It was bending the rules, cracking them a little at the base but fuck it. At this point, he was torn between apologizing to Andyr for sins the younger man would have no idea what he was talking about and just getting this over with and letting them both retreat to their corners. He’d caught that quick glance out towards someone in the main intake area. He hadn’t seen who and had no idea what it was about but if Andyr had someone here, and that presence was in any way helping them absolve this impasse, Adrien would take it.
Another breath and he was finally able to straighten, forcing himself to turn back towards Andyr. There was nothing glassy about the doctor’s eyes but perhaps it was the perspiration on his blanched flesh that made his blue eyes seem to burn.]
You can choose who else you speak with about these matters, on the medical team, in your own time.